Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
