you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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