Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
