I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
