we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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