you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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