saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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