fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
