I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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