He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
