Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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