My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize