i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
