I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
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