I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Randomize
