so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
