I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Randomize
