i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
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