Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
