You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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