My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
A bitchslap is in order.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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