my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
