I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
this is an emotional support booty call
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
