yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
