i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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