my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
