Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
