I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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