Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
He felt like a one man threesome
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Come share oat with me in your robe
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
