I need to stop coming to work sober
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
my poor anus
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
