my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
