just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize