i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
