she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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