i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
