I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
