I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
