Sry I called you an 8
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
