Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
why do cheetos always look like penises
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
