Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
