i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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