Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
