I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
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