I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
