i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
