I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
i believe in u and ur pee
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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