I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
