You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
