Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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