Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
