it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
