i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
