I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
