We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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