i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
