i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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