i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
