he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
