Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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