Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
