My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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