I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
