I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
