I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
