I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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