dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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