Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
