once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
